I’ve spent the last several months, perhaps even the last several years feeling like the walking dead. Let me explain what I mean by that, because I’m sure the first image that comes to ones mind is either a zombie or a vampire. I will make use of these for the moment, as whenever I’ve seen them portrayed, they seem to be either mindless creatures who have lost all reason, in search of the thing that keeps them “alive” (zombies) or they are the being that waits in the shadows shrewdly, hoping for a chance to steal life from someone else, at great cost to the victim (a vampire).
I hope in my actions I’ve not been either, but my heart has certainly felt like its been searching for that thing that gives me life – those places where my soul is sparked with passion, passion that I once felt and lived in, passion that I held onto with everything I had. Its funny to be someone who has had a life-long relationship with the Creator of the universe, and yet I’m in this place where my heart is trying to remember what brings me life.
To the religiously grounded, I just need to read my bible more and I need to pray more. I tried that, but in the doing my heart screamed, ‘I’m dying!’ Please don’t get me wrong, I love the bible, and I read from it daily, even when I don’t feel like it. But I’ve stopped reading it because its what I’m supposed to do and I’ve started to read until I find Him. Sometimes I don’t like what I read- sometimes I don’t understand. So then praying more…actually, what if I listen more?
I pray a lot. I spend a lot of time, on my end, talking to God. And I have seasons where I do a great job listening, even a fantastic job listening. Yet, sometimes I think I’ve made God into a wooden idol, that if I say the right thing, if I have the right formula, then what I want comes to pass. But it doesn’t work like that. He’s a person… He came to earth and put skin on.
I have a relationship with a person, the Person. I don’t know about anyone else, but I just want to know Him, how He sees the world, where He finds life, where His heart becomes passionate again. I like to think that we human beings, each and every one of us are actually little slivers of His heart running all over the world with skin on. And I think the place I find myself in now is just me trying to find out how my sliver fits back into the whole.
So I sit back today, reviewing my calendar, excited for certain parts of my day and less so for others. And that is what it is. I’m alright if I’m not super excited for every moment of life right now. I’m happy that I’m still willing to sit still and listen. I’m happy that even if He’s not giving me what I want, I still connect with the Person. Because He’s not surprised by where I am and He’s not mad about it either. And He’s not waiting for me to figure it out. He’s just waiting for my stillness; in that stillness leaning over and whispering in my ear. I think of myself as someone who likes to do, to accomplish and to achieve. Yet, I can not help but be thankful in this season where my heart is tired that I just get to be still……and listen.
Keep Your Wonder 